Individuals
Do you want to feel better about yourself and how you respond to what life throws your way?
Who doesn’t?
Who doesn’t want to feel less stress, more ease, more fulfillment, more empowerment, more meaning, more connection?
So what are we really doing in a session?
Finding better ways to respond – to people, situations, work, and emotions that come up (anger, frustration, sadness). Because we all know life and people can be a pain sometimes.
Making sense of what’s going on and getting clarity.
Puzzling over dilemmas, situations, options, choices.
Having someone neutral to reflect back the truth.
Having a space to say what’s really true, be heard, and hopefully not get bad advice.
It all can be therapeutic.
Couples & Families
Do you wish you could just talk to your partner –
without it becoming an ordeal?
In a nutshell, here are my pie-in-the-sky goals for couples:
- To find solutions that work for everyone.
- To talk about things that matter without things blowing up or going south.
- To say what’s true, and to stay connected in a caring way.
- To share w/o trying to change the other person; and to listen w/o trying to change the other person.
- To hold space for differences.
- To be kind and to have good boundaries.
I can help facilitate having conversations you might not have been able to have on your own.
And if I can help you learn how to talk, then you can talk about almost anything.
Fees & Insurance
How to navigate insurance without being brought to tears
There is no charge for an initial 10-minute confidential discussion by phone.
I offer a sliding scale starting at $125 for a 50-minute session, and if it’s affordable to you, my standard fee is $225 session.
If you want to use insurance, please tell me the name of your plan, so that we can determine the extent to which our visits can be covered by your plan.
I am an in-network contracted provider with most Managed Care Organizations,
EAP, PPO, and HMO plans in this area.
Please view the FAQ section below for more information, including a list of most of the organizations with which I am in network. Reach out if you don’t see your company on the list.
If your current financial situation would make it difficult for you to afford my standard fee, please let me know so that we can talk about possible alternatives.
Feel free to call me to create something together that will be helpful to you.
What is The Missing Experience?
The Missing Experience
I first heard this term from a Hakomi therapist.
In therapy, you get the opportunity to say what’s true for you. And you won’t be shamed or given grief for it. In fact, you’ll be heard and validated, and that feels good. Something gets healed. That’s the missing experience.
It relates to how many of us experienced the opposite growing up. Parents weren’t present. You might have not been seen. Maybe you were told it wasn’t OK to feel whatever you were feeling. Maybe you said something and you were shut down or shamed. You got the message. It’s not safe or it’s just not OK to be who you are.
Are You Going to Feel Welcome?
Diversity Statement
I welcome all expressions of gender, sexual identity, orientation, and relationship arrangements with non-judgment, and I attempt to understand and appreciate you as an individual. I think and work outside the box.
What is a Marriage & Family Therapist?
Introduction to the Alphabet of Degrees & Licenses
The short answer: Someone who has education, training, and a license by the State to help people with their interpersonal relationships. These therapists may work with individuals, couples, families, and any combination. Here’s the legal definition from the CA BBS.
There are different kinds of counselors out there to help. They differ according to education, training, and credentials. Here’s some nomenclature to help you navigate the choices:
Certification and License
Certification means a practitioner took the time to learn something and demonstrated a certain degree of proficiency to get the stamp of approval from an organization that represents certain standards of the profession. Licensed means the person completed a degree program, participated in an internship to acquire supervised hours of experience, passed a state exam, and abides by ethical and legal guidelines of the profession. There is more professional accountability for someone who is licensed by the State. Insurance may also be more likely to cover services rendered by a licensed practitioner. In the end, someone’s “credentials” may be less important than whether the experience is helpful to you or not.
Method / Modality / Model / Technique
There are as many different methods of working with people as there are individuals. Interestingly, studies suggest that no method has been proven to be any better than another, but the studies do suggest that some therapy is better than no therapy! [see article entitled “The War on Unhappiness,” by Gary Greenberg, in Harper’s Magazine, September 2010.] Different ways of making contact with and working with your experience include talking, touch, movement, or artistic expression. Some practitioners help you look at the way you think about things; some practitioners work from a body-centered approach; some work with cultivating a sense of awareness; some use the relationship itself, between you and the therapist, as a tool for change.
Therapists, Psychotherapists, Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT, LMFT), Social Workers (LCSW), Mental Health Care Professionals, Counselors (MHC, LPC)
These could be different kinds of practitioners, or maybe not! For example, not all Licensed Social Workers “solve problems through bureaucracy.” Many have private psychotherapy practices. So rather than elaborate about potential differences, I encourage you to contact a therapist directly, talk to him or her about what you are experiencing, ask how he or she might help, and see if you’re a good match for each other. All these folks are just here to help you manage your experience and feel better.
Marriage Family Therapist, Marriage Counselor, Couples Counselor, Family Therapist
Like the group of terms above, these could be interchangeable. Or not! These folks are trained to help people with their interpersonal relationships. At best, they hold a perspective that includes both an overview of interpersonal dynamics as well as a light on each respective individual’s inner experience. These folks are likely to work a little deeper than a Mediator or Pastoral Counselor or Coach, although some Coaches do help people experience change through profound inner connection.
Psychologists
These folks are distinguished from Master’s level clinicians by having written a doctoral thesis as part of their education, based on some unique research they have undertaken (hence the Ph.D. after their name). They may also have been trained in administering certain kinds of psychological tests, although other counselors are permitted to administer tests as long as they are trained and competent to do so.
Psychiatrists
Unlike the practitioners above, these folks are licensed to prescribe drugs, just as Medical Doctors are. It has been my experience that Psychiatrists have a real knack for assessment, but LMFTs are also trained to “diagnose” and “treat” individuals with “mental illness.” While making prescription recommendations is outside the scope of practice for Counselors and Psychologists, they are typically trained to know if and when it might be appropriate to discuss the option of drug use, and can help make an appropriate referral to a Psychiatrist. Therapists often work in conjunction with Psychiatrists, and the combination of therapy and medication management is usually more effective than just taking drugs.
Psychoanalysts
Think Freud and Jung. Think dreams, archetypes, and material making itself known from the unconscious to the conscious to be understood and healed. It is generally a longer-term process.
My Perspectives
See if my approach clicks with you
Here are some of my teachers, influences, inspirations, guides.
Look them over and see if they resonate with you:
- NVC – Nonviolent Communication from Marshall Rosenberg – connecting with kindness and trying to find solutions that work for everyone; so many great principles, including what it means to take responsibility for our feelings. By highlighting needs, it provides a helpful roadmap for having conversations
- Esther Perel – relationships and the ingredients of desire
- Brené Brown – relationships and the risks and rewards of being real; the risk that you’ll die from being banished (because we’re social & interdependent) or have rich relationships; and the irony of how playing it safe is like being dead anyway; and no longer playing that losing game of “hustling for worthiness”
- Alain de Button – relationships and being real
- Gary V – being yourself & being happy by giving less of a sh*t what other people think of you
- Tony Robbins – being pragmatic about dealing with the world as it is versus how we want it to be or think it should be; and seeing how experience relates to where our heads are at and what we are focused on
- Eckhart Tolle – being present, and in the heart versus being in the head and the human egoic experience
- Leonard Jacobson – integrating spirituality (being present) and the ego (the world of time)
- Michael Taft – spirituality and finding a place of acceptance
- John Welwood – core issues about self that we all carry in some way, and how to navigate them as they get triggered in relationships. Balancing the human egoic experience (our sense of self is defined by others) and the sense of self that knows that what other people think of you is none of your business (a variation on a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt).
- Hedy Schleifer – understanding reactivity and connecting in respectful and deep ways
- Relational work – using what happens in the actual relationship between us as an opportunity to talk about what comes up and practice being the kind of person you want to be.
- Gabor Maté – what a sweet man. What a sincere and caring man. And how he shines a light on trauma and helps us understand things like addiction in those terms as well.
- Phil Stutz – the combination of being authentic plus humor plus nifty “tools” as he calls them. See the 2022 documentary by Jonah Hill and you’ll see why I added him to the list.
Is it Really About Communication?
It’s tempting to think that couples therapy is about communication skills
I believe that it’s not about communication as much as it’s really about things like perception or courage. Courage to fully be yourself, and at the same time, being able to let the other person be him or herself, even if he or she kind of drives you batty, and staying connected with some caring through whatever comes up.
That means listening deeply with curiosity. So communication skills become more about hold-your-tongue skills. It means managing your experience including your sense of self. It’s about the how. How you are with each other. Maintaining some quality of connection, some consciousness of caring, some balance of caring for both your needs as well as for the needs and experience of the other person. Even if problems are not solved or needs are not met as much as you’d like, the caring that you can both have can help you get through it, and in a way that feels much better.
My goal for couples is basic and radical:
To be able to say what’s true, and to stay connected in a caring way.
My Approach with Couples Work
There are two general approaches to couples work:
The Attachment Model and the Differentiation or Developmental Model.
- One focuses on trying to help you be there for the other person.
- The other starts with focusing on yourself. It looks at ways partners are problematically affected by each other and in each other’s business. It focuses on helping you stand on your own two feet first and getting solid in your center. After that, by all means go to town when it comes to helping each other out. It’s about finding connection while also holding space for differences.
Which approach do you think works best when – as Peter Pearson says – each partner is knee deep in their own respective sh*t ?
Obviously I’m biased, but even Sue Johnson, 35 years after heralding her “attachment model,” finally came around to admitting the wisdom of focusing on the individual first.
So, instead of Sue Johnson’s plea to “hold me tight”, the idea is to “hold onto yourself.”
If you want to read more….
Here are some definitions of differentiation:
Ellyn Bader puts it like this:
“Differentiation is the active, ongoing process of looking inside and defining yourself, revealing yourself, clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety of either risking more intimacy or potential separation or distance. Many of us fear that if we are truthful and reveal ourselves, it will threaten the relationship and the partner will be upset and abandon us. Differentiation has to do with the willingness to risk, to grow, to challenge ourselves and our partners, and this is directly related to the amount of vitality that is in our relationship.”
David Schnarch puts it like this:
“Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others, especially as they become increasingly important to you. Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when loved ones pressure you to agree, to conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re losing themselves and disagree without feeling angry and embittered. They can stay connected through a disagreement and not have to leave it to hold on to a sense of themselves. Notice that the opposite of differentiation is neither connection nor lack of connection. Think of it as a higher-order process that involves balancing both togetherness and separateness, connection and autonomy.
How you might apply some of these concepts and goals to your challenges ?
On the Fence About Separation?
On the fence, or thinking of separation or divorce?
Explore your options
On the fence
It’s often the case that there are mixed feelings. And one partner may be more leaning in while the other partner is more leaning out.
If that’s the case, what we think of as “couples counseling” won’t be effective. Yes, you can work on understanding and communication, but you can’t work towards improving the emotional bond in the relationship or work on making the relationship great if one person’s heart is not in it.
Where couples have different agendas, or want clarity on whether they are in or out, a different form of counseling is more appropriate. A fellow named William (Bill) Doherty came upon this realization and developed a format that he calls Discernment Counseling to address these situations. It requires a combination of couples counseling time as well as time with each individual separately.
On the out
And what if one of you is thinking of separating or getting a divorce? It’s a huge decision, one that’s best not made from a reactive place, such as on the heels of a big hurt. If one partner already seems out the door, and you are still in it, and nothing you do seems to be working, and you don’t know what else to do, before you give up, give this book a shot, and follow the author’s instructions to a T: The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage, by Michele Weiner Davis.
What is NVC?
Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg
NVC is really just about caring, and connecting from a place of caring.
His model includes a number of wonderful premises. Like the notion that our needs matter. And that needs are not usually in conflict with each other. And self-responsibility. And his deconstruction of anger is mind-opening for many.
There are so many helpful distinctions, such as observations versus interpretations; thoughts versus feelings; feelings versus needs; needs versus ways to get needs met; requests versus demands. But the thing that opened my eyes to why some “I feel” statements sounded more like “you” statements, and sold me on NVC, was a little bit of grammar geekiness – pointing out how many words that people think of and use as adjectives for feelings (words that often end in “ed”, such as, “I feel disrespected”) are really transitive verbs, implying someone is doing something to you, and you are a victim. NVC offers a more empowered place from which to dialogue.
Marshall Rosenberg’s ideas are as old as civilization, but he created ways to use language that reflect old truths and aim to help people connect more effectively.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that NVC is about formulaic ways of speaking. What matters is the spirit of where you’re coming from. The consciousness.
It resonates with me, informs how I view a lot of what’s going on, and provides a roadmap for talking about and navigating reality. Check out his book and see if it resonates with you!
Do You Deal With Addiction?
Here’s how I think about addiction:
I’m not keen on the word addiction, or addict.
Instead, let’s think of it as a relationship.
Take drugs, for example. I think of them as neutral things. It’s just a substance, after all. And it’s just one way to get a need met. And needs are important.
What matters is whether your relationship with that substance affects other relationships.
Your relationship with others, your relationship to your work, your obligations to society (we’re expected to drive sober and not run people over or crash into trees), and your relationship to your own self – care for your body, mind, spirit.
It’s only a problem if it’s a problem.
I take my cues from NVC as well from Dr. Andrew Weil’s book From Chocolate to Morphine.
So instead of addiction, I think of it as a sticky and compelling relationship.
Hard to get unstuck. And lots of thought and energy going into it. Same thing applies to whether we’re talking about exogenous substances (chemicals external to our bodies) or behaviors like gambling, shopping, porn, sex.
What’s interesting is how yearning for spirits of alcohol was re-framed by Jim Wilson (Daddy of AA) and Carl Jung as a spiritual problem. What’s also interesting is how this connects with Buddhism. And how it’s possible to be present with the sensations that arise in the face of discomfort. And how it’s also possible to be happy even though we might not get our needs met.
How does Insurance Work?
Nagivating Insurance
Every plan is different so we will need to determine the benefits of your plan. I’m happy to help you try and find out your benefits, but sometimes it’s hard to reach a provider representative and get accurate and consistent information. So, in the words of the Insurance Companies: “It is ultimately the member’s responsibility to know their benefits and to cover whatever financial responsibility there might be for sessions.”
To confirm that I am a provider in your network, call member services of your plan and give them my National Provider Identification Number, also known as NPI: 1962522086. Ask about “outpatient psychotherapy services in an office setting.” Even if I am not directly contracted with your plan, many plans will still allow you to access services with me as an out-of-network provider.
If we meet using your plan, you would cover whatever you are responsible for at the time of our session (whether it’s just a co-pay amount (such as $20) or the full contracted rate with the individual company, and I will send a bill to the Insurance company and they will cover and send me a payment for any balance owed.
These are some of the Managed Care Organizations with which I am an in-network contracted provider.
It’s not a complete list. Just ask me if you don’t see your plan listed below.
Please also know that some plans do not cover relationship problems. The terminology is confusing because while they may cover “couples counseling,” they may not cover couples counseling to address “relationship problems.” It’s considered a diagnosis and you want to make sure that your plan will cover what is called ICD-10 Z-Code diagnoses, and not just F-Codes. Reach out if you have questions and I can give you the terminology to use when you call your company to find out your benefits.
- Insurance / Managed Care Organizations (MCOs)
- Aetna
- Anthem Blue Cross
- BHS – Behavioral Health Systems
- Blue Cross Blue Shield BCBS
- CBA/EBPA CompNet
- CBA Blue
- CIGNA, including CIGNA Behavioral Health
- Martin’s Point
- Medicaid – VT Medicaid, including VHAP and other programs
- MHNet Behavioral Health
- Multiplan (includes former Private Health Care Systems (PHSCS)
- MVP Health Care
- United HealthCare
- UBH – United Behavioral Health, includes OptumHealth Behavioral Solutions, and Harvard Pilgrim Health Care
- EAP (Employee Assistance Plan)
- AllOne Health
- Aetna
- CIGNA, including CIGNA Behavioral Health
- ComPsych
- ESI Employee Assistance Group
- FEI Behavioral Health
- Interface EAP
- Invest EAP
- KGA
- New Directions Behavioral Health
- Wellpoint (EAP for Anthem)
- Workforce Performance
- Optum (for UBH)
- Ulliance
- … and others. Just ask.
NOTE: I am NOT a participating provider with either Health New England or Mass Health. Only Mass providers can participate with those plans.
What is that Logo?
Acanthometra
The star-shaped image above is an illustration by Ernst Haeckel. The image is one of a collection that was first published in 1904 in his book entitled Kunstformen der Natur – Art Forms in Nature.
Acanthometra is the taxa used by Haeckel. The Modern English taxonomical term is Acanthometrides, an order of marine protozoans in the Subclass Acantharia with 20 or less skeletal rods.
Why is this illustration on this website? I’m simply taken by it. In a number of ways. There’s no hidden meaning. I hope that by not attempting to say more, it will help you to have your own experience as well.
